Finally

I need to renew my commitment to blogging. Reading old posts, I realize that I am not a terrible writer. Well, not as terrible as I think. Entertaining at least. So far, the posts on this blog are about school. I graduated three years ago! And I haven't sewn one thing since I left. Or drawn anything. I want this summer to be a mini renaissance for me. ART! FASHION! LIFE! There is a verse in the Bible I came across a few months ago that says something to the effect of "only pursue what is lovely and good" (it really says "lovely"). When I meet someone I admire, I say to myself that they are lovely. There is this warmth, this light that radiates from them. You can see that they are joyful. I want to be that person. Now is the time.

What am I going to give my dad for his birthday?!

shmemerhorn

I have only three weeks of school left.

About a month ago I realized that I am actually learning things. A lot of things. It's easier to sit in class because I finally know what the hell they are talking about. I don't even take notes anymore. Final projects begin this week. I am finally excited to do homework. No more of this busy work bullshit. I spent $150 on fabric this morning. It was soooo much fun to look at fabric and realize that I can make something out of any of it and it will look like something that came from a store. Not exactly Barney's, but...maybe the GAP.

My drawings look like people. My learning curve has been steep. I feel better now, at the end. This is for two reasons: 1. I understand what I am doing. 2. I initially felt behind, but now I see that no one else is progressing much. They crank out the same ugly shit they did at the beginning of the semester. I always thought in the back of my mind that I had been accepted because they needed the money, but in fact, I have better designs than most people in my classes. And I think it's fun.

Another shocker: I am ready to become a New Yorker. I'm not moving back. I love Brooklyn. I feel normal living here. The transition wasn't uncomfortable. I meet new people all the time and I find new/awesome things in my neighborhood constantly. Hopefully the room at Jacob's house works out. That would make coming back in August exceptionally easy. Andddd he should be my new best friend.

woot.

Sunday

I need things to be slow. I need to contemplate. I need to read and feel sunshine and smell the air. I need to be able to get up, put my pants on and walk out into the day.

I went back to school to get a better job. What I found was my own personal hell, encircling me with severe anxiety and questions about my self-worth. I don't know if this will even lead to a better job. I am told time and again that I need to take this for what it's worth- an exceptional experience. I don't deem it exceptional. I think it's hard- too hard for me. A year and a half is a long time to be unhappy. I can't give up. There has to be another option. The next two months is going to kill me.

This was supposed to be fun.

Daylight Saving

It has rained all day long. I have spent an exorbitant amount of time on the internet today. I am supposed to be in New Jersey, hanging out with Lindsey and her husband Matt. Unfortunately the train had electrical problems, so it was a no-go. So I watched SNL instead.

I want a cigarette, but I'm too sleepy to find my jacket and my shoes.

I miss Houman. My dad comes in tomorrow.

In The Beginning...

I used to have a livejournal when I was 18. It was eventually deleted after having forgotten about it for a few years. It would be fun to look at the day to day events in my life, but for the most part I am relieved that all of the crushes, heartbreak, and general dumbassedness has been wiped clean. Those are not years that I am particularly proud of.

I was just remembering that I texted someone once, a boy, "come get me". It must have been two in the morning. He was far, far away, no idea exactly where. I didn't know him very well and I don't know him at all anymore. He wrote back "where are you?" We always had a connection that pulled us toward one another. At least, I was always pulled toward him and he always seemed to be waiting for me. The last time I saw him, the spell was broken. I still check up on him now and again, to see where he is in life. But I like to remember what it feels like to find someone that gives you that rush of fear and joy. I wrote in my old journal hoping that he would keep needing me and for a long time he did.

Well, it's seven years later. I'm 25. I have just moved back to New York after a two year hiatus. I am slowly going insane, so I needed an outlet to discuss, with myself I guess, what is going on in my life. I am in fashion school which has turned out to be my own personal hell. My apartment is uncomfortable and I have a tense relationship with my roommates. My friends, boyfriend, and even my dad are sick of hearing me complain. So I figure with a journal, maybe I can stop verbalizing it. This might also stop me from internalizing how hurt I am that no one wants to hear me talk about my depression. I think you can learn to live with things. As long as you know when to ask for help, you can learn to live with anything.

I went to church this morning. It's off 15th st. I haven't been to a Quaker church in years. It's never weird to go to a Quaker church for the first time. No one pays any attention to you. They all have their eyes closed in prayer. I haven't sat down and had a real talk with God in quite some time, so you'd think I would have a lot to say, a laundry list of sorts, but no. At the midpoint I was praying to God to make a clock appear in my head to see if it was over yet. An hour in silence is a long, long time. It was good for me though. I felt good today. When I pray, I feel like can clearly react to things. I need to join a Bible study to make any steps forward. I used to be able to read the Bible on my own and it would open for me like I had the key. Now I hardly have the attention span to read it at all. I left California without a Bible. I have to pull it up on the internet. What kind of Christian am I? Natalie, my best friend, asked me today if I hear God when I pray. I do. I also told her that it took a really long time before I heard God. I did all the talking for at least 6 months. Maybe a year.

My roommate has her friend over and they are cackling upstairs. This apartment has paper thin walls. My nerves are on edge. I need to go to sleep. I have a lot of work to do tomorrow. Great.